I no longer post at this blog. Visit http://www.homeworksanity.com for my most recent writings.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Another Mom Questioned Answered
Mom Question # 4 - My kids are distracted with other things and don't want to bother with school work
Great question. There is scientific evidence that short term memory can only hold about eight ideas before it short circuits and can't communicate with long term memory. Learning anything is about holding something in short term memory long enough to transfer the concept to long term memory. Once this is done the information can be recalled without even thinking about the data.
This means if I have eight things going on in my short term memory then I can't move any of those ideas to my long term memory. So imagine the normal childs mind depending on age especially a teenager.
1. When is my friend going to call me?
2. Why didn't my friend call me?
3. Who just sent me a text message?
4. Who should I send a text message to?
5. Wait let me look at this video on youtube.
6. Crap I forgot to check my facebook.
7. Damn how can I put this idea into 140 characters for twitter?
8. How can I get out of that thing my parents want me to do tomorrow?
9. I hated school today.
10. What time is American Idol?
11. When can I download my favorite new song?
We can easily see how school, math, reading, writing or homework doesn't even make the top 10. This is slightly different than concepts that are important to our own personal wants, needs and desires..
We don't think about what day our birthday is do we?
We never forget when the weekend, or day off is do we?
Do we ever forget holidays?
When people are important to us we know what they want and need, right?
We usually don't have trouble knowing what day is payday?
Children know when school is out for the day and usually the year.
Avoidance of work,responsibility and accountability is not limited to children in school. School is also structured in a way where the child has two challenges. One challenge is their education and the other it their social status within the group at school.
In my experience when children are avoiding work they are usually doing well socially. When they are doing great and studies then usually the social is behind.
The parental priority should be balance. As a parent I suggest you take a bigger picture view. Are they avoiding the work everyday, or just today? If they are just avoiding today then let it play itself out. If they are avoiding it every day then here is my suggestion.
As a parent you have probably fallen into the trap of being a homework monitor. You will know you are in the trap if you hear yourself using these types of questions: Did you do your homework? Is your homework done? Show me your homework? Why did the school call me about you today? Why did I get an email from your math teacher?
The question is who set the trap? You, your child or the school?
If you set the trap then that is great because the only behavior we can change is our own. Why are we asking these questions? What is our motive? Almost always the answer is fear. The child though experiences it as control rather than support.
If your child set the trap then the solution is simple. Don't mention anything about their homework study habits until they bring a less than appropriate grade. When they show you the grade you have an option to react emotionally, or to respond productively. My suggestion is the later. Here is how I suggest the conversation go when the child shows you a grade of C, D and F. Look at the grade, be silent (a little acting is awesome), look at the child (still not speaking), let the silence be your tool and then give them a hug and say, "I'm so proud of you."
They will now be in shock. They will ask you something like why aren't you mad? Your answer is simply, "How could I be mad. This is exactly the grade you got for your effort. You didn't study. You didn't work hard. You got this grade.
Then after this part is over they will say something like, "I'm not getting punished?"
Calmly look at them and go, "Oh, of course you are getting punished because this isn't an acceptable grade." Then lay out the punishment and hold the term.
Nobody learns without consequences. Usually this will resolve the issue. If the issue continues then it is time for tutoring in regards to study habits.
Great question. There is scientific evidence that short term memory can only hold about eight ideas before it short circuits and can't communicate with long term memory. Learning anything is about holding something in short term memory long enough to transfer the concept to long term memory. Once this is done the information can be recalled without even thinking about the data.
This means if I have eight things going on in my short term memory then I can't move any of those ideas to my long term memory. So imagine the normal childs mind depending on age especially a teenager.
1. When is my friend going to call me?
2. Why didn't my friend call me?
3. Who just sent me a text message?
4. Who should I send a text message to?
5. Wait let me look at this video on youtube.
6. Crap I forgot to check my facebook.
7. Damn how can I put this idea into 140 characters for twitter?
8. How can I get out of that thing my parents want me to do tomorrow?
9. I hated school today.
10. What time is American Idol?
11. When can I download my favorite new song?
We can easily see how school, math, reading, writing or homework doesn't even make the top 10. This is slightly different than concepts that are important to our own personal wants, needs and desires..
We don't think about what day our birthday is do we?
We never forget when the weekend, or day off is do we?
Do we ever forget holidays?
When people are important to us we know what they want and need, right?
We usually don't have trouble knowing what day is payday?
Children know when school is out for the day and usually the year.
Avoidance of work,responsibility and accountability is not limited to children in school. School is also structured in a way where the child has two challenges. One challenge is their education and the other it their social status within the group at school.
In my experience when children are avoiding work they are usually doing well socially. When they are doing great and studies then usually the social is behind.
The parental priority should be balance. As a parent I suggest you take a bigger picture view. Are they avoiding the work everyday, or just today? If they are just avoiding today then let it play itself out. If they are avoiding it every day then here is my suggestion.
As a parent you have probably fallen into the trap of being a homework monitor. You will know you are in the trap if you hear yourself using these types of questions: Did you do your homework? Is your homework done? Show me your homework? Why did the school call me about you today? Why did I get an email from your math teacher?
The question is who set the trap? You, your child or the school?
If you set the trap then that is great because the only behavior we can change is our own. Why are we asking these questions? What is our motive? Almost always the answer is fear. The child though experiences it as control rather than support.
If your child set the trap then the solution is simple. Don't mention anything about their homework study habits until they bring a less than appropriate grade. When they show you the grade you have an option to react emotionally, or to respond productively. My suggestion is the later. Here is how I suggest the conversation go when the child shows you a grade of C, D and F. Look at the grade, be silent (a little acting is awesome), look at the child (still not speaking), let the silence be your tool and then give them a hug and say, "I'm so proud of you."
They will now be in shock. They will ask you something like why aren't you mad? Your answer is simply, "How could I be mad. This is exactly the grade you got for your effort. You didn't study. You didn't work hard. You got this grade.
Then after this part is over they will say something like, "I'm not getting punished?"
Calmly look at them and go, "Oh, of course you are getting punished because this isn't an acceptable grade." Then lay out the punishment and hold the term.
Nobody learns without consequences. Usually this will resolve the issue. If the issue continues then it is time for tutoring in regards to study habits.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
3 Fun Questions From Moms About Tutoring
Mom #1
My son is starting to scare me because he isn't doing his school work. This is a lot like someone else in my house. What should I do?
This is actually a really great question. Usually moms get frustrated with boys when their bad behavior reminds them of the person they are, or were married to for many years. There is no simple answer to this question, but here are a few tricks that work.
1) Own that you are upset with your husband. We are men it is in our DNA to do annoying things. If we didn't then we wouldn't need women to help us see the right path. Talk it out with your husband and ask him if he would like to try to handle the issue. Don't be surprised if he jumps at the chance.
2) Ask the child directly if he knows who else in the house does that same behavior? When he answers correctly tell him to go talk to the dad. Tell the child to ask the dad what happens to him when he gets caught with this behavior.
3) Use the phrase, "I wish you the best of luck with that behavior."
Once the humor breaks up the tension then simply ask them what they are struggling with tyring to learn. This is when you can jump in and help.
Mom #2
The person who teaches my daughter is a moron. What should I do?
The first thing you should do is let your daughter know that her problem is real and not her fault.
Second remember we can't change morons. If someone could they would be rich and never out of work. The moron won't see it because they are stuck in a mindset of "I'm right and everyone else is wrong." We all get caught in this trap during our lives.
Third is of course the massively used word - acceptance. Acceptance does not mean inaction.
Fourth create an action plan with your child where interacting with this person becomes a fun game between the two of you. You want to be the safe and loving place for them to land. You want your daughter running to you with the story of the moron. Then ask your daughter what was the moron trying to teach you today. Let me see if I can help you.
Fifth go shopping, or eating.
Mom #3
Why are they giving my child so much homework?
Simple. Teachers are teaching to the test. This means during class time they briefly go over the subject during class and shift the learning process to the student. We all know how crazy making this can be.
The best solution is to sit with your child and make sure they are understanding the core concept versus doing busy work. With math for example what is the concept behind a word problem? It is a game to see if you know what words mean addition, subtraction, multiplication and division.
Bottom line try your best to make each annoying homework assignment into a fun project. Your child simply wants to connect with you. Don't always do homework at home. Go to a coffee shop, mall or other hangout place. Enjoy it rather than making it a trip to the dentist.
Send your questions to mathttuor.roger@gmail.com
My son is starting to scare me because he isn't doing his school work. This is a lot like someone else in my house. What should I do?
This is actually a really great question. Usually moms get frustrated with boys when their bad behavior reminds them of the person they are, or were married to for many years. There is no simple answer to this question, but here are a few tricks that work.
1) Own that you are upset with your husband. We are men it is in our DNA to do annoying things. If we didn't then we wouldn't need women to help us see the right path. Talk it out with your husband and ask him if he would like to try to handle the issue. Don't be surprised if he jumps at the chance.
2) Ask the child directly if he knows who else in the house does that same behavior? When he answers correctly tell him to go talk to the dad. Tell the child to ask the dad what happens to him when he gets caught with this behavior.
3) Use the phrase, "I wish you the best of luck with that behavior."
Once the humor breaks up the tension then simply ask them what they are struggling with tyring to learn. This is when you can jump in and help.
Mom #2
The person who teaches my daughter is a moron. What should I do?
The first thing you should do is let your daughter know that her problem is real and not her fault.
Second remember we can't change morons. If someone could they would be rich and never out of work. The moron won't see it because they are stuck in a mindset of "I'm right and everyone else is wrong." We all get caught in this trap during our lives.
Third is of course the massively used word - acceptance. Acceptance does not mean inaction.
Fourth create an action plan with your child where interacting with this person becomes a fun game between the two of you. You want to be the safe and loving place for them to land. You want your daughter running to you with the story of the moron. Then ask your daughter what was the moron trying to teach you today. Let me see if I can help you.
Fifth go shopping, or eating.
Mom #3
Why are they giving my child so much homework?
Simple. Teachers are teaching to the test. This means during class time they briefly go over the subject during class and shift the learning process to the student. We all know how crazy making this can be.
The best solution is to sit with your child and make sure they are understanding the core concept versus doing busy work. With math for example what is the concept behind a word problem? It is a game to see if you know what words mean addition, subtraction, multiplication and division.
Bottom line try your best to make each annoying homework assignment into a fun project. Your child simply wants to connect with you. Don't always do homework at home. Go to a coffee shop, mall or other hangout place. Enjoy it rather than making it a trip to the dentist.
Send your questions to mathttuor.roger@gmail.com
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