My Child Won't Do What I Am Telling Him To Do

I get this question in a variety of ways so I figured I would write a note about some strategies to deal with this issue.

Putting things off and testing limits is normal behavior. I am never concerned about the student who comes to me for tutoring who says, "They hate school." I am always more worried about the one who loves school and doesn't seem to have any problems.

The demands that are put on children today are much worse than the challenges we grew up with only a short time ago.

To make it even more complicated technology is involved at a much higher level. Cell phones, IM's, texting and everything else are both positive and negative tools to any learning process.

How do we not let this behavior drive us nuts? That is really the question we need to focus on and the only thing I know that works is to focus on responding versus reacting. This does not happen over night, takes practice, but delivers powerful results.

If you provide a child especially a teenager with an emotional reaction then they know they have the power. Remember from their point of view it is a power struggle. They don't feel they have total freedom. This is because they don't have total freedom. They feel monitored because guess what they are monitored.

If its important to have your child do a specific behavior then you must know what their current emotional currency is prior to bringing on any response.

Once you make your choice then you must take action without negotiating, or asking for permission from the child.

TIP: If you know the VIDEO GAME, CELL PHONE, or COMPUTER is the emotional currency that they care about do not threaten to take these things away for a period of time. That gives them power in the negotiation because at that point it is not real. Children deal with reality. In this stage they will feel they have power over you. That they are in control. Behavior wont' change if they feel in control.

SIMPLY TAKE THE ITEM AWAY WITHOUT TELLING THEM. Let them find this out on their own. Let them then come to you emotionally where they will be asking when and how it will be returned.

YOUR RESPONSE - It will be returned when (INSERT ONE BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO GET THEM TO CHANGE) and show me over a period of a (BE SPECIFIC DAYS/WEEKS/MONTH) then you will get the PRIVILEGE BACK.

The critical thing is to remind them these things are privileges and not something they have a birthright to. It is also important to remind them you are responsible for them and their behavior. That is the primary reason for your modification. It is not because you want to be in this role, but it is one that you have to take on as a parent.

They will change because they want to know the limits. They know the limits are always changing. Try this and expect awesome results.

If you have a questions that you would like an answer to send me a message here, or email me mathtutor.roger@gmail.com To set up a SKYPE SESSION add ROGERTUTOR. Visit http://www.homeworksanity.com/ and http://www.funmathtutor.com/ for more tips or call (323) 387-3601.

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