Mom Question # 4 - My kids are distracted with other things and don't want to bother with school work
Great question. There is scientific evidence that short term memory can only hold about eight ideas before it short circuits and can't communicate with long term memory. Learning anything is about holding something in short term memory long enough to transfer the concept to long term memory. Once this is done the information can be recalled without even thinking about the data.
This means if I have eight things going on in my short term memory then I can't move any of those ideas to my long term memory. So imagine the normal childs mind depending on age especially a teenager.
1. When is my friend going to call me?
2. Why didn't my friend call me?
3. Who just sent me a text message?
4. Who should I send a text message to?
5. Wait let me look at this video on youtube.
6. Crap I forgot to check my facebook.
7. Damn how can I put this idea into 140 characters for twitter?
8. How can I get out of that thing my parents want me to do tomorrow?
9. I hated school today.
10. What time is American Idol?
11. When can I download my favorite new song?
We can easily see how school, math, reading, writing or homework doesn't even make the top 10. This is slightly different than concepts that are important to our own personal wants, needs and desires..
We don't think about what day our birthday is do we?
We never forget when the weekend, or day off is do we?
Do we ever forget holidays?
When people are important to us we know what they want and need, right?
We usually don't have trouble knowing what day is payday?
Children know when school is out for the day and usually the year.
Avoidance of work,responsibility and accountability is not limited to children in school. School is also structured in a way where the child has two challenges. One challenge is their education and the other it their social status within the group at school.
In my experience when children are avoiding work they are usually doing well socially. When they are doing great and studies then usually the social is behind.
The parental priority should be balance. As a parent I suggest you take a bigger picture view. Are they avoiding the work everyday, or just today? If they are just avoiding today then let it play itself out. If they are avoiding it every day then here is my suggestion.
As a parent you have probably fallen into the trap of being a homework monitor. You will know you are in the trap if you hear yourself using these types of questions: Did you do your homework? Is your homework done? Show me your homework? Why did the school call me about you today? Why did I get an email from your math teacher?
The question is who set the trap? You, your child or the school?
If you set the trap then that is great because the only behavior we can change is our own. Why are we asking these questions? What is our motive? Almost always the answer is fear. The child though experiences it as control rather than support.
If your child set the trap then the solution is simple. Don't mention anything about their homework study habits until they bring a less than appropriate grade. When they show you the grade you have an option to react emotionally, or to respond productively. My suggestion is the later. Here is how I suggest the conversation go when the child shows you a grade of C, D and F. Look at the grade, be silent (a little acting is awesome), look at the child (still not speaking), let the silence be your tool and then give them a hug and say, "I'm so proud of you."
They will now be in shock. They will ask you something like why aren't you mad? Your answer is simply, "How could I be mad. This is exactly the grade you got for your effort. You didn't study. You didn't work hard. You got this grade.
Then after this part is over they will say something like, "I'm not getting punished?"
Calmly look at them and go, "Oh, of course you are getting punished because this isn't an acceptable grade." Then lay out the punishment and hold the term.
Nobody learns without consequences. Usually this will resolve the issue. If the issue continues then it is time for tutoring in regards to study habits.
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Friday, August 27, 2010
My Child Won't Do What I Am Telling Him To Do
I get this question in a variety of ways so I figured I would write a note about some strategies to deal with this issue.
Putting things off and testing limits is normal behavior. I am never concerned about the student who comes to me for tutoring who says, "They hate school." I am always more worried about the one who loves school and doesn't seem to have any problems.
The demands that are put on children today are much worse than the challenges we grew up with only a short time ago.
To make it even more complicated technology is involved at a much higher level. Cell phones, IM's, texting and everything else are both positive and negative tools to any learning process.
How do we not let this behavior drive us nuts? That is really the question we need to focus on and the only thing I know that works is to focus on responding versus reacting. This does not happen over night, takes practice, but delivers powerful results.
If you provide a child especially a teenager with an emotional reaction then they know they have the power. Remember from their point of view it is a power struggle. They don't feel they have total freedom. This is because they don't have total freedom. They feel monitored because guess what they are monitored.
If its important to have your child do a specific behavior then you must know what their current emotional currency is prior to bringing on any response.
Once you make your choice then you must take action without negotiating, or asking for permission from the child.
TIP: If you know the VIDEO GAME, CELL PHONE, or COMPUTER is the emotional currency that they care about do not threaten to take these things away for a period of time. That gives them power in the negotiation because at that point it is not real. Children deal with reality. In this stage they will feel they have power over you. That they are in control. Behavior wont' change if they feel in control.
SIMPLY TAKE THE ITEM AWAY WITHOUT TELLING THEM. Let them find this out on their own. Let them then come to you emotionally where they will be asking when and how it will be returned.
YOUR RESPONSE - It will be returned when (INSERT ONE BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO GET THEM TO CHANGE) and show me over a period of a (BE SPECIFIC DAYS/WEEKS/MONTH) then you will get the PRIVILEGE BACK.
The critical thing is to remind them these things are privileges and not something they have a birthright to. It is also important to remind them you are responsible for them and their behavior. That is the primary reason for your modification. It is not because you want to be in this role, but it is one that you have to take on as a parent.
They will change because they want to know the limits. They know the limits are always changing. Try this and expect awesome results.
If you have a questions that you would like an answer to send me a message here, or email me mathtutor.roger@gmail.com To set up a SKYPE SESSION add ROGERTUTOR. Visit http://www.homeworksanity.com/ and http://www.funmathtutor.com/ for more tips or call (323) 387-3601.
Please forward this note to other parents and encourage them to add me on Facebook. Thank you for your support.
Putting things off and testing limits is normal behavior. I am never concerned about the student who comes to me for tutoring who says, "They hate school." I am always more worried about the one who loves school and doesn't seem to have any problems.
The demands that are put on children today are much worse than the challenges we grew up with only a short time ago.
To make it even more complicated technology is involved at a much higher level. Cell phones, IM's, texting and everything else are both positive and negative tools to any learning process.
How do we not let this behavior drive us nuts? That is really the question we need to focus on and the only thing I know that works is to focus on responding versus reacting. This does not happen over night, takes practice, but delivers powerful results.
If you provide a child especially a teenager with an emotional reaction then they know they have the power. Remember from their point of view it is a power struggle. They don't feel they have total freedom. This is because they don't have total freedom. They feel monitored because guess what they are monitored.
If its important to have your child do a specific behavior then you must know what their current emotional currency is prior to bringing on any response.
Once you make your choice then you must take action without negotiating, or asking for permission from the child.
TIP: If you know the VIDEO GAME, CELL PHONE, or COMPUTER is the emotional currency that they care about do not threaten to take these things away for a period of time. That gives them power in the negotiation because at that point it is not real. Children deal with reality. In this stage they will feel they have power over you. That they are in control. Behavior wont' change if they feel in control.
SIMPLY TAKE THE ITEM AWAY WITHOUT TELLING THEM. Let them find this out on their own. Let them then come to you emotionally where they will be asking when and how it will be returned.
YOUR RESPONSE - It will be returned when (INSERT ONE BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO GET THEM TO CHANGE) and show me over a period of a (BE SPECIFIC DAYS/WEEKS/MONTH) then you will get the PRIVILEGE BACK.
The critical thing is to remind them these things are privileges and not something they have a birthright to. It is also important to remind them you are responsible for them and their behavior. That is the primary reason for your modification. It is not because you want to be in this role, but it is one that you have to take on as a parent.
They will change because they want to know the limits. They know the limits are always changing. Try this and expect awesome results.
If you have a questions that you would like an answer to send me a message here, or email me mathtutor.roger@gmail.com To set up a SKYPE SESSION add ROGERTUTOR. Visit http://www.homeworksanity.com/ and http://www.funmathtutor.com/ for more tips or call (323) 387-3601.
Please forward this note to other parents and encourage them to add me on Facebook. Thank you for your support.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Consequences
I have never found a parent that enjoys having to give their child consequences for bad behavior. A lot of parents get frustrated because they try to offer a consequence, but it just doesn't seem to work.
Here are some suggestions if you find yourself in this situation.
1. Talk it out before taking an action with the child. The best thing about a child showing some bad behavior is it gives you the opportunity as parents to talk things out. When one person is put in charge of the discipline it falls apart. The child will move towards the other parent. A child knows how to survive. They are amazing at dividing and conquering. It's intuitive to them. Spend a few days sharing what each of you see in the child and their behavior.
Make sure you both agree before starting to move forward with any new boundaries.
2. Identify the root problem What is the issue driving the behavior? Don't be surprised if the child will tell you. Approach the child in a calm manner and say, "What is going on with these grades? They don't seem to involve the first two letters of the alphabet."
Listen to their story first. The story is always the same it involves blame. They will blame the teacher, other students, etc.. Don't start the conversation in the story.
After the story is done then ask, "Okay I hear you, but what are you doing in this situation. What behavior can you change to make the situation better?" Remember since you did not buy the story the child is more likely to reveal the real issue. The answer will almost always be around some type of disruption to the class environment.
3. Listen to how the teacher views the issue. Email is best because it forces the teacher to put the behavior that is bothering them in writing. This action in and of itself relieves some of the teacher's stress. It does this because they now feel heard. Teacher's have learned not to tell parents about behavior unless the parent asks. These parents are usually willing to work with the teacher rather than against them.
4. Decide on the consequence. The consequence has to have currency to the child. It must be something they do not want to lose, or change. That is the only thing that will wake them up. In a recent situation we came up with the consequence of a haircut.
5. Decide the time frame for self correcting. If the child had the tools to get into the situation then they have the energy to get out of the issue. Two weeks is a good time frame. If they are not taking action within fourteen days then another approach will be needed.
6. Make sure that you are in agreement and sit with the decision for 24 hours. After you have the consequence and time frame then wait. This will allow you to take the action with confidence. If any doubt comes up then talk it out. You must be on the same page when this is presented to the child.
7. Deliver the information to the child. Make sure the child knows the new playing field. Do not let them try to negotiate. Explain to them this is the situation. You know you have achieved the goal when they don't like it. The goal was to take this energy that they created in you from the bad grades and to give it back to them. It is their burden to carry not yours.
8. Involve the teachers. Inform the teachers by email what the action steps are and that you need their feedback. Make it clear to the child that it is now their duty to make these teachers their friends.
9. Be supportive. The hard part is done. Be supportive especially through these two weeks. Let the child know they are not in it alone. That you believe in them.
If you have any questions please email mathtutor.roger@gmail.com or call (310) 492-3121.
Here are some suggestions if you find yourself in this situation.
1. Talk it out before taking an action with the child. The best thing about a child showing some bad behavior is it gives you the opportunity as parents to talk things out. When one person is put in charge of the discipline it falls apart. The child will move towards the other parent. A child knows how to survive. They are amazing at dividing and conquering. It's intuitive to them. Spend a few days sharing what each of you see in the child and their behavior.
Make sure you both agree before starting to move forward with any new boundaries.
2. Identify the root problem What is the issue driving the behavior? Don't be surprised if the child will tell you. Approach the child in a calm manner and say, "What is going on with these grades? They don't seem to involve the first two letters of the alphabet."
Listen to their story first. The story is always the same it involves blame. They will blame the teacher, other students, etc.. Don't start the conversation in the story.
After the story is done then ask, "Okay I hear you, but what are you doing in this situation. What behavior can you change to make the situation better?" Remember since you did not buy the story the child is more likely to reveal the real issue. The answer will almost always be around some type of disruption to the class environment.
3. Listen to how the teacher views the issue. Email is best because it forces the teacher to put the behavior that is bothering them in writing. This action in and of itself relieves some of the teacher's stress. It does this because they now feel heard. Teacher's have learned not to tell parents about behavior unless the parent asks. These parents are usually willing to work with the teacher rather than against them.
4. Decide on the consequence. The consequence has to have currency to the child. It must be something they do not want to lose, or change. That is the only thing that will wake them up. In a recent situation we came up with the consequence of a haircut.
5. Decide the time frame for self correcting. If the child had the tools to get into the situation then they have the energy to get out of the issue. Two weeks is a good time frame. If they are not taking action within fourteen days then another approach will be needed.
6. Make sure that you are in agreement and sit with the decision for 24 hours. After you have the consequence and time frame then wait. This will allow you to take the action with confidence. If any doubt comes up then talk it out. You must be on the same page when this is presented to the child.
7. Deliver the information to the child. Make sure the child knows the new playing field. Do not let them try to negotiate. Explain to them this is the situation. You know you have achieved the goal when they don't like it. The goal was to take this energy that they created in you from the bad grades and to give it back to them. It is their burden to carry not yours.
8. Involve the teachers. Inform the teachers by email what the action steps are and that you need their feedback. Make it clear to the child that it is now their duty to make these teachers their friends.
9. Be supportive. The hard part is done. Be supportive especially through these two weeks. Let the child know they are not in it alone. That you believe in them.
If you have any questions please email mathtutor.roger@gmail.com or call (310) 492-3121.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A Reading Story
One of my students is this really great writer, filmmaker and actor. Interesting thing is that he is in third grade. He writes these great little stories and was getting bored reading. I sat with him the first time and said, "Every time you get bored I want you to tell me." We had a blast. It would only be a few sentences before he would shout, "bored!"
I asked him, "why are you bored?"
"Not enough action," was his reply.
He was right. I had him write out how he could make the story better. It was amazing because he is amazing. We agreed that he really should not read any book unless it had action.
The next week he read a book in about 15 minutes. He stayed engaged, had fun and enjoyed the action. Then he revealed that he would really like to read "Harry Potter." This book was of course beyond his grade level.
We grabbed the book. I explained, "read and then write down any words you don't know." He fell in love with the first paragraph and only didn't know five of about a hundred words. I went over the words with him. He read the paragraph again and became excited.
We ended with the idea that maybe he could make reading a hobby. His teacher assigns him 30 minutes of reading per night. Making it a hobby rather than a task became interesting to him.
Sometimes it just takes sitting with a child and listening to them. They have great ideas.
I asked him, "why are you bored?"
"Not enough action," was his reply.
He was right. I had him write out how he could make the story better. It was amazing because he is amazing. We agreed that he really should not read any book unless it had action.
The next week he read a book in about 15 minutes. He stayed engaged, had fun and enjoyed the action. Then he revealed that he would really like to read "Harry Potter." This book was of course beyond his grade level.
We grabbed the book. I explained, "read and then write down any words you don't know." He fell in love with the first paragraph and only didn't know five of about a hundred words. I went over the words with him. He read the paragraph again and became excited.
We ended with the idea that maybe he could make reading a hobby. His teacher assigns him 30 minutes of reading per night. Making it a hobby rather than a task became interesting to him.
Sometimes it just takes sitting with a child and listening to them. They have great ideas.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Free Stuff For Parents
Back To School is never fun for parents. They are always the most left out of the process. The teacher gets a paycheck. The child gets to play at least during part of the day. The parent becomes the navigator, negotiator and the neglected one.
Well, I do not forget parents. Here are some free things for you.
To check the items you desire visit http://www.tinyurl.com/2parent
"26 Tips For Fall"
"Is My Child Disruptive?"
"5 Tips For Scholarships"
Well, I do not forget parents. Here are some free things for you.
To check the items you desire visit http://www.tinyurl.com/2parent
"26 Tips For Fall"
"Is My Child Disruptive?"
"5 Tips For Scholarships"
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
A Child Doesn't Get Left Behind
Meet Wilson. This is a smart child that just needed some one-on-one attention. To help children like Wilson take a moment to offer your support by visiting this link http://tinyurl.com/l27eej
Donate time, cash, old computers, books to help children learn math.
Donate time, cash, old computers, books to help children learn math.
Monday, July 13, 2009
A Child Doesn't Get Held Back
Just wanted to share a story about one of the kids I have had the chance to work with during the last month. Let's call him Wilson - since that is his name.
Wilson is a child who just wants to play. He doesn't mean to get in trouble. He doesn't mean to act up in class. The truth is he is bored because it isn't being challenged. This boredom of course challenged his teacher.
The teacher stayed locked in an idea about Wilson from the beginning of the school year until a few weeks before the end of the year. She was so focused on his disruption that her plan was to try to hold him back a year. This would mean doing 2nd grade all over again.
That was when I kind of came into the picture. Wilson told me what was really going on in the classroom. He explained that he was, "being picked on." I knew something was up because he was honest that he was disrupting the class.
My psychologist friend who we can call Chuck has a theory that I like a lot. It's the difference between ACTING UP and ACTING OUT.
Wilson was really ACTING UP. He was trying to get people to see his situation. I certainly saw it and explained to the mother that she should talk to some one higher than the teacher. She did and the agreement was made to allow Wilson to test. If he passed then he was on to third grade and if not then stay in second.
Wilson tested. He will be in third grade next year. This was accomplished without any help from the teacher. This information on the teacher is being passed on to people at the school that will have to act on this pattern of behavior.
Most teachers are really great, but this one is not. How many kids weren't as lucky as Wilson? When a child is ACTING UP all they are doing is asking for help. They want and need to be heard by ANYONE.
Once the child is ACTING OUT it is already too late. They don't feel heard because they weren't.
It takes 10-15 minutes of listening to any child to find out what is really going on. I encourage you to always take this time because without help from us to be an advocate for children they will be lost.
If too many get lost then who takes care of us? Who can you help today?
Pass this on.
Wilson is a child who just wants to play. He doesn't mean to get in trouble. He doesn't mean to act up in class. The truth is he is bored because it isn't being challenged. This boredom of course challenged his teacher.
The teacher stayed locked in an idea about Wilson from the beginning of the school year until a few weeks before the end of the year. She was so focused on his disruption that her plan was to try to hold him back a year. This would mean doing 2nd grade all over again.
That was when I kind of came into the picture. Wilson told me what was really going on in the classroom. He explained that he was, "being picked on." I knew something was up because he was honest that he was disrupting the class.
My psychologist friend who we can call Chuck has a theory that I like a lot. It's the difference between ACTING UP and ACTING OUT.
Wilson was really ACTING UP. He was trying to get people to see his situation. I certainly saw it and explained to the mother that she should talk to some one higher than the teacher. She did and the agreement was made to allow Wilson to test. If he passed then he was on to third grade and if not then stay in second.
Wilson tested. He will be in third grade next year. This was accomplished without any help from the teacher. This information on the teacher is being passed on to people at the school that will have to act on this pattern of behavior.
Most teachers are really great, but this one is not. How many kids weren't as lucky as Wilson? When a child is ACTING UP all they are doing is asking for help. They want and need to be heard by ANYONE.
Once the child is ACTING OUT it is already too late. They don't feel heard because they weren't.
It takes 10-15 minutes of listening to any child to find out what is really going on. I encourage you to always take this time because without help from us to be an advocate for children they will be lost.
If too many get lost then who takes care of us? Who can you help today?
Pass this on.
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