I get this question in a variety of ways so I figured I would write a note about some strategies to deal with this issue.
Putting things off and testing limits is normal behavior. I am never concerned about the student who comes to me for tutoring who says, "They hate school." I am always more worried about the one who loves school and doesn't seem to have any problems.
The demands that are put on children today are much worse than the challenges we grew up with only a short time ago.
To make it even more complicated technology is involved at a much higher level. Cell phones, IM's, texting and everything else are both positive and negative tools to any learning process.
How do we not let this behavior drive us nuts? That is really the question we need to focus on and the only thing I know that works is to focus on responding versus reacting. This does not happen over night, takes practice, but delivers powerful results.
If you provide a child especially a teenager with an emotional reaction then they know they have the power. Remember from their point of view it is a power struggle. They don't feel they have total freedom. This is because they don't have total freedom. They feel monitored because guess what they are monitored.
If its important to have your child do a specific behavior then you must know what their current emotional currency is prior to bringing on any response.
Once you make your choice then you must take action without negotiating, or asking for permission from the child.
TIP: If you know the VIDEO GAME, CELL PHONE, or COMPUTER is the emotional currency that they care about do not threaten to take these things away for a period of time. That gives them power in the negotiation because at that point it is not real. Children deal with reality. In this stage they will feel they have power over you. That they are in control. Behavior wont' change if they feel in control.
SIMPLY TAKE THE ITEM AWAY WITHOUT TELLING THEM. Let them find this out on their own. Let them then come to you emotionally where they will be asking when and how it will be returned.
YOUR RESPONSE - It will be returned when (INSERT ONE BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO GET THEM TO CHANGE) and show me over a period of a (BE SPECIFIC DAYS/WEEKS/MONTH) then you will get the PRIVILEGE BACK.
The critical thing is to remind them these things are privileges and not something they have a birthright to. It is also important to remind them you are responsible for them and their behavior. That is the primary reason for your modification. It is not because you want to be in this role, but it is one that you have to take on as a parent.
They will change because they want to know the limits. They know the limits are always changing. Try this and expect awesome results.
If you have a questions that you would like an answer to send me a message here, or email me mathtutor.roger@gmail.com To set up a SKYPE SESSION add ROGERTUTOR. Visit http://www.homeworksanity.com/ and http://www.funmathtutor.com/ for more tips or call (323) 387-3601.
Please forward this note to other parents and encourage them to add me on Facebook. Thank you for your support.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Back To School
Roger The Math Tutor - Newsletter
To arrange a SKYPE session add RogerTutor
School Again????
Only a few weeks away and then another school year starts. Here are some important tips to remember regardless of the age, or grade of your child.
The teacher will form their opinion of your child within the first week of school.
The challenge is to not take any teacher opinions personally. They will just be a great signal of the year ahead. It is important to get the email of the teacher as soon as possible. The great news is a lot can be resolved through emails.
The teacher categorizes as a natural way to try to manage, or control a classroom. It is very difficult for them to change their perception without some strategy on your part as a parent.
Your child will form their opinion of the teacher within the first three days.
Here is the good news. You will know if there is going to be a problem with the teacher at least four days before the teacher does. Your child will form their opinion and fall into groups within the first three days.
If they tell you they like the teacher then it is probably true. It is easier for a child to say they don't like the class. This is because it gives them a built in reason for why things might not go smooth for the rest of the year.
The hardest adjustment is getting into the new daily groove.
The biggest adjustment is really a change in schedule. If you can get your child to make the changes in time the last three days of the week they start then you will save a lot of anxiety.
Get a homework schedule as soon as possible.
The first week is usually light, second is medium and third is let me dump this workload on you. Get on a schedule during the first week when it is light. Most children should work in twenty minute chunks and then take a short break. If the work is taking them more than thirty minutes then they need extra help.
Remember most children have the same goal that is to play more and work less.
It is best not to fight this, but to make it work to your advantage. When children understand the concept that they can get more done when they are focused earning them more play time they become extremely productive. Ten minutes of focused work can get a lot of homework done.
To arrange a SKYPE session add RogerTutor
School Again????
Only a few weeks away and then another school year starts. Here are some important tips to remember regardless of the age, or grade of your child.
The teacher will form their opinion of your child within the first week of school.
The challenge is to not take any teacher opinions personally. They will just be a great signal of the year ahead. It is important to get the email of the teacher as soon as possible. The great news is a lot can be resolved through emails.
The teacher categorizes as a natural way to try to manage, or control a classroom. It is very difficult for them to change their perception without some strategy on your part as a parent.
Your child will form their opinion of the teacher within the first three days.
Here is the good news. You will know if there is going to be a problem with the teacher at least four days before the teacher does. Your child will form their opinion and fall into groups within the first three days.
If they tell you they like the teacher then it is probably true. It is easier for a child to say they don't like the class. This is because it gives them a built in reason for why things might not go smooth for the rest of the year.
The hardest adjustment is getting into the new daily groove.
The biggest adjustment is really a change in schedule. If you can get your child to make the changes in time the last three days of the week they start then you will save a lot of anxiety.
Get a homework schedule as soon as possible.
The first week is usually light, second is medium and third is let me dump this workload on you. Get on a schedule during the first week when it is light. Most children should work in twenty minute chunks and then take a short break. If the work is taking them more than thirty minutes then they need extra help.
Remember most children have the same goal that is to play more and work less.
It is best not to fight this, but to make it work to your advantage. When children understand the concept that they can get more done when they are focused earning them more play time they become extremely productive. Ten minutes of focused work can get a lot of homework done.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Consequences
I have never found a parent that enjoys having to give their child consequences for bad behavior. A lot of parents get frustrated because they try to offer a consequence, but it just doesn't seem to work.
Here are some suggestions if you find yourself in this situation.
1. Talk it out before taking an action with the child. The best thing about a child showing some bad behavior is it gives you the opportunity as parents to talk things out. When one person is put in charge of the discipline it falls apart. The child will move towards the other parent. A child knows how to survive. They are amazing at dividing and conquering. It's intuitive to them. Spend a few days sharing what each of you see in the child and their behavior.
Make sure you both agree before starting to move forward with any new boundaries.
2. Identify the root problem What is the issue driving the behavior? Don't be surprised if the child will tell you. Approach the child in a calm manner and say, "What is going on with these grades? They don't seem to involve the first two letters of the alphabet."
Listen to their story first. The story is always the same it involves blame. They will blame the teacher, other students, etc.. Don't start the conversation in the story.
After the story is done then ask, "Okay I hear you, but what are you doing in this situation. What behavior can you change to make the situation better?" Remember since you did not buy the story the child is more likely to reveal the real issue. The answer will almost always be around some type of disruption to the class environment.
3. Listen to how the teacher views the issue. Email is best because it forces the teacher to put the behavior that is bothering them in writing. This action in and of itself relieves some of the teacher's stress. It does this because they now feel heard. Teacher's have learned not to tell parents about behavior unless the parent asks. These parents are usually willing to work with the teacher rather than against them.
4. Decide on the consequence. The consequence has to have currency to the child. It must be something they do not want to lose, or change. That is the only thing that will wake them up. In a recent situation we came up with the consequence of a haircut.
5. Decide the time frame for self correcting. If the child had the tools to get into the situation then they have the energy to get out of the issue. Two weeks is a good time frame. If they are not taking action within fourteen days then another approach will be needed.
6. Make sure that you are in agreement and sit with the decision for 24 hours. After you have the consequence and time frame then wait. This will allow you to take the action with confidence. If any doubt comes up then talk it out. You must be on the same page when this is presented to the child.
7. Deliver the information to the child. Make sure the child knows the new playing field. Do not let them try to negotiate. Explain to them this is the situation. You know you have achieved the goal when they don't like it. The goal was to take this energy that they created in you from the bad grades and to give it back to them. It is their burden to carry not yours.
8. Involve the teachers. Inform the teachers by email what the action steps are and that you need their feedback. Make it clear to the child that it is now their duty to make these teachers their friends.
9. Be supportive. The hard part is done. Be supportive especially through these two weeks. Let the child know they are not in it alone. That you believe in them.
If you have any questions please email mathtutor.roger@gmail.com or call (310) 492-3121.
Here are some suggestions if you find yourself in this situation.
1. Talk it out before taking an action with the child. The best thing about a child showing some bad behavior is it gives you the opportunity as parents to talk things out. When one person is put in charge of the discipline it falls apart. The child will move towards the other parent. A child knows how to survive. They are amazing at dividing and conquering. It's intuitive to them. Spend a few days sharing what each of you see in the child and their behavior.
Make sure you both agree before starting to move forward with any new boundaries.
2. Identify the root problem What is the issue driving the behavior? Don't be surprised if the child will tell you. Approach the child in a calm manner and say, "What is going on with these grades? They don't seem to involve the first two letters of the alphabet."
Listen to their story first. The story is always the same it involves blame. They will blame the teacher, other students, etc.. Don't start the conversation in the story.
After the story is done then ask, "Okay I hear you, but what are you doing in this situation. What behavior can you change to make the situation better?" Remember since you did not buy the story the child is more likely to reveal the real issue. The answer will almost always be around some type of disruption to the class environment.
3. Listen to how the teacher views the issue. Email is best because it forces the teacher to put the behavior that is bothering them in writing. This action in and of itself relieves some of the teacher's stress. It does this because they now feel heard. Teacher's have learned not to tell parents about behavior unless the parent asks. These parents are usually willing to work with the teacher rather than against them.
4. Decide on the consequence. The consequence has to have currency to the child. It must be something they do not want to lose, or change. That is the only thing that will wake them up. In a recent situation we came up with the consequence of a haircut.
5. Decide the time frame for self correcting. If the child had the tools to get into the situation then they have the energy to get out of the issue. Two weeks is a good time frame. If they are not taking action within fourteen days then another approach will be needed.
6. Make sure that you are in agreement and sit with the decision for 24 hours. After you have the consequence and time frame then wait. This will allow you to take the action with confidence. If any doubt comes up then talk it out. You must be on the same page when this is presented to the child.
7. Deliver the information to the child. Make sure the child knows the new playing field. Do not let them try to negotiate. Explain to them this is the situation. You know you have achieved the goal when they don't like it. The goal was to take this energy that they created in you from the bad grades and to give it back to them. It is their burden to carry not yours.
8. Involve the teachers. Inform the teachers by email what the action steps are and that you need their feedback. Make it clear to the child that it is now their duty to make these teachers their friends.
9. Be supportive. The hard part is done. Be supportive especially through these two weeks. Let the child know they are not in it alone. That you believe in them.
If you have any questions please email mathtutor.roger@gmail.com or call (310) 492-3121.
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