Consequences

I have never found a parent that enjoys having to give their child consequences for bad behavior. A lot of parents get frustrated because they try to offer a consequence, but it just doesn't seem to work.

Here are some suggestions if you find yourself in this situation.

1. Talk it out before taking an action with the child. The best thing about a child showing some bad behavior is it gives you the opportunity as parents to talk things out. When one person is put in charge of the discipline it falls apart. The child will move towards the other parent. A child knows how to survive. They are amazing at dividing and conquering. It's intuitive to them. Spend a few days sharing what each of you see in the child and their behavior.
Make sure you both agree before starting to move forward with any new boundaries.

2. Identify the root problem What is the issue driving the behavior? Don't be surprised if the child will tell you. Approach the child in a calm manner and say, "What is going on with these grades? They don't seem to involve the first two letters of the alphabet."

Listen to their story first. The story is always the same it involves blame. They will blame the teacher, other students, etc.. Don't start the conversation in the story.

After the story is done then ask, "Okay I hear you, but what are you doing in this situation. What behavior can you change to make the situation better?" Remember since you did not buy the story the child is more likely to reveal the real issue. The answer will almost always be around some type of disruption to the class environment.

3. Listen to how the teacher views the issue. Email is best because it forces the teacher to put the behavior that is bothering them in writing. This action in and of itself relieves some of the teacher's stress. It does this because they now feel heard. Teacher's have learned not to tell parents about behavior unless the parent asks. These parents are usually willing to work with the teacher rather than against them.

4. Decide on the consequence. The consequence has to have currency to the child. It must be something they do not want to lose, or change. That is the only thing that will wake them up. In a recent situation we came up with the consequence of a haircut.

5. Decide the time frame for self correcting. If the child had the tools to get into the situation then they have the energy to get out of the issue. Two weeks is a good time frame. If they are not taking action within fourteen days then another approach will be needed.

6. Make sure that you are in agreement and sit with the decision for 24 hours. After you have the consequence and time frame then wait. This will allow you to take the action with confidence. If any doubt comes up then talk it out. You must be on the same page when this is presented to the child.

7. Deliver the information to the child. Make sure the child knows the new playing field. Do not let them try to negotiate. Explain to them this is the situation. You know you have achieved the goal when they don't like it. The goal was to take this energy that they created in you from the bad grades and to give it back to them. It is their burden to carry not yours.

8. Involve the teachers. Inform the teachers by email what the action steps are and that you need their feedback. Make it clear to the child that it is now their duty to make these teachers their friends.

9. Be supportive. The hard part is done. Be supportive especially through these two weeks. Let the child know they are not in it alone. That you believe in them.

If you have any questions please email mathtutor.roger@gmail.com or call (310) 492-3121.